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That One Time I Almost Couldn’t Hold It Together

That One Time I Couldn't Hold It Together

I feel like shit these days.

Blame it on the number of cookies I’ve eaten today.

But seriously, I haven’t been doing great these past few weeks. All the inspirational books I have read and ice cream I have eaten simply cannot cure my demotivated ass right now.

But don’t get me wrong. This is totally fine. I mean, I have already accepted the fact that there are simply days when darkness grabs hold of you, and you just have to let it be. Otherwise, it would become a constant battle to go through the other side and you end up looking like a mess.

I am where I am supposed to be right now.

(I sound like a spiritual guru.)

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, I was talking about shit.

Let’s talk about shit today. No, let’s call it poop instead.

It’s cuter.

It was 2015…

I was working in this BPO company as a Chat Support Specialist. I was doing Tech Support and even though I basically love my job at that time, it was stressful. I mean, solving problems is exciting, but it’s another story when it is all about other people’s problems. Anyway, things were getting out of hand at work.

I wanted a vacation.

My friends also wanted a vacation. I had four friends at the office. So I told them that I’m going to my family’s place in Santander that weekend to just relax and asked them if they wanted to come. They said yes and off we went.

It was pretty chill when we arrived. We were grilling meat, listening to music, and talking just about anything under the sun. We had dessert. Ate some more. We went to a waterfall in a nearby municipality, went to the beach, went back home. Sang and dance for a while that night…

Everything was going well until the next morning.

My stomach was having a mind of its own and I kept going to the toilet every 30 minutes or so.

It would have been fine, but that morning, we were planning to go to Dumaguete City because Negros island is literally right in front of our house. Kidding, it’s 20 minutes away. My friends wanted to check out the city and I was willing to show them around. I didn’t want to spoil the fun so we went.

And thus the start of this poop story.

We opted to ride a pump boat because it was cheaper. The moment we sat on our respective seats, I could feel all the muscles in my body tensing. Cold sweat were dripping my forehead. I could see stars above my head. I told my friends but really, what can they do? Sing me a lullaby about poop?

I checked if there was any place I can go just in case I couldn’t take it anymore. Turns out, there was. It was a makeshift toilet in the boat. Hell, I would never release the kraken in a makeshift toilet but if I had no choice…

God. NO!

So I had to compose myself and held everything together. It was the longest 20 minutes of my life. I swear to God, it was almost like the island of Negros looked farther and farther every minute.

And then we arrived at the port of Sibulan.

Suddenly, my upset stomach stopped. So I was like, “Uhuh, you know what, let’s not go find a toilet right now.”

What a terrible, terrible decision, Hanna.

I decided to bring my friends first to Rizal Boulevard so they can see the usual spots in Dumaguete City. But right when I thought everything was going well, my stomach was starting to get crazy again. And it was getting worse. So much worse.

I couldn’t see straight anymore. It was a hot Sunday morning but I was sweating buckets of ice.

“WE NEED TO FIND A FVCKING TOILET!”

We were in the middle of a residential area. There was no way I was going to bust a stranger’s home and ask them if I could do my thing in their home. So I decided we’d ride a pedicab going to Robinson’s Dumaguete and do it there instead.

The moment we arrived at the mall, I was straight up running. I was running for my life.

Thank God for my friends. They even helped me find a tissue paper. God Bless all of you.

Finally, I reached the women’s toilet.

SHIT.

The queue in the women’s toilet was longer than my sins. GAAAAAHHH. I can’t believe it.

I prayed to God to please… “God, let me hold all of this shit together.”

After God-knows-how-many minutes, it was finally my turn to enter heaven. I told the next person in line to go to the other cubicle because dude, I was about to drop the biggest bomb in the world.

The moment I shut the doors of the cubicle…

…it was loud and it was messy.

But can I just say? Pooping is definitely God’s gift to mankind.

The Aftermath

Thank God the flush worked. I would have died if it didn’t.

It was still pretty embarrassing though. So before I got out of the cubicle, I had to check first if the coast was clear, and when finally there was no one around, I immediately went out, washed my hands, and thanked God for staying with me while I was walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

But seriously, that incident taught me that I should always bring medicines in case of emergency. No matter how careful we are with what we eat while traveling, we can’t always control our digestive system.

So yes, bring medicine, my friends.

Pooping is fine. Pooping while there are people around… errr, not really.

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